I don’t know how to say the right words about how I’m feeling. My mind is in constant stress people who say they love me manipulate me or lie to straight to my face. I know I’m not pretty I know I’m weak I know I’m overweight I know I should change it feels like I have to be perfect for other people because if they see my pain they go away I’m too dramatic my mood changes by the minute I get very angry I shut down when people confront me because I know I’m manipulative I know I’m hurting people I love. I lie out of habit I spend money way to fast hoping to get some sort of happiness but in the end I feel worse I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live I’m a hipicrite I don’t stay by my fake values ive’d killed the relationships and trust with family and friends. I’m like my mother and my abuser I’m fake and rude I struggle on a daily but I feel like I can’t tell people because then I’m attention seeking and being dramatic. It’s the same pain over and over again and people are sick of hearing it. I wish I could leave all my pain behind and move forward but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I feel disgusting and ugly my body is weak and I’m fat but people try to make me feel better by telling me I’m not but you just have to face the facts I’m 5’2 and 200pounds I either eat too much or not at all. Constantly being told that I should exercise or eat less. Brings my self esteem down. People don’t understand that I already am shaming myself by the hour I know that’s something I should do but I feel like there’s no point because I’m not good at keeping healthy habits and once I fail I will give up immediately. I know I have people on my side but I don’t understand why I honestly don’t know because I have lied and hurt so many people yet they stay. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve it and that’s not me wanting attention that’s me saying what I think yes I know I’m not perfect and I know I can make mistakes but I feel like my mistakes are extremely wrong and malicious. I don’t want people to feel sad or sorry for me this is just me saying what I honestly feel and I would hope that they would just listen they don’t even have to say anything they can forget for all I care but at least the truth would be out

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