i don't know why i can't just tell this to someone i know but I'm hurt. my dad is very sick and keeps talking about his death and telling me to live my life and not be sad when it happens but how? how can i do that when i know i didn't get enough time with him, when i know that i spent most of my life hating and fearing him because of how my mother painted a fake image of him in my brain? when i know that he might not be here for my graduation and my marriage? when most of the time i spent with him was in the hospital or staying up or waking up in the middle of the nights to do things for him because he's sick and can't do it by himself. how can i not be sad when i know that there's too much about him and his life i don't know and won't get a chance to know? how can i live my life when i know that there are no more downtown walks where we buy croissants and books and i but some silly accessories? I'm in pain and i don't want him to go and i don't want to live with my mother alone and i don't want to be alone i have no one other than him eventhough we didn't always have a great father-daughter relationship i have no friends and he and my brothers are my only family and my brothers have their own families and work . i need him to see me in my wedding dress and walk me down the isle. i need to make him proud of me. I'm tierd not of being his caregiver but from not being able to do more. I'm sitting on the other bed in his room right now and he's sleeping and i don't mind staying like this forever just knowing he's here. i want to be a better daughter for him i want him to be proud and i hope I'm not disappointing him♡ i don't think anyone will read all this but if anyone does please pray for him♡

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