i only come here when im tired of writing on paper and i feel like needing to talk to a human being not an object. I'm stressed, lost and overwhelmed. it's hard being a caregiver to a sick parent who has regular hospital visits, a student and a parent to your parents and holding a household together all at once while having your own mental, personal and health struggles. i keep denying that I'm lost but i can't anyone but the thing is, I'm drained i don't have energy left to find myself again and like someone important to me told me today " it's not fair to just keep living to the expectations your parents have of you, it's not fair to you" and i agree it's not fair that it's consuming me and leaving me with nothing to give for myself. i just want some rest, some time, some energy to be present while i do something. i feel more like a robot than human. and the only thing i do for myself is haram and i can't give it up because I'm clinging to any bit of comfort i can get. i sometimes catch myself thinking that i really need someone to care for me, someone that i don't have to be strong with someone who will not just take my love and energy but also appreciate and give them back, at other time i think that i just want any spare or leftover energy to do all that for myself but well i don't have both. imagine having to do all this alone while also caring for your own physical, mental and emotional and you also gotta work on yourself to be better educated wise, maturity and personality wise and also looks wise, it's just hard. i know i yapped a lot and it was all negative but still can't deny that I'm grateful for many things in my life like having my brothers and still being here and not giving up and still trying despite everything, I'm grateful for my having access to food and snacks as they bring me a little joy and I'm grateful for sometimes having ingredients to make baked goods, baking is like the sweetest escape and im grateful for my stuffed animals too and my moon candle♡ both lists can go on the good and the bad but i don't think anyone will even read this far so i guess that's enough

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